Wifey

I hesitated on the point of writing/posting this entry for the world to see because I wasn't sure which end result I sought by doing so.  Am I speaking in a persuasive voice?  Am I trying to sell you something?  Not necessarily.  Am I trying to parcel out some gleaned knowledge upon readers looking for advice in their marriages? 

Um, definitely not. 

Turning it over in my head, I've decided that this post is categorized as an explanation.  I feel that many who read this would need an explanation for the way I choose (a better word might be try... 95% of the time...) to approach my marriage.

Because it has (once again) come to my attention that I'm in the minority.

I'm not talking about being the only female at the house.  I love that.

I live in a culture that is decidedly counter-intuitive to the way I was raised and indeed, the way I try to live my life.  In years past I've noticed this from time to time - I won't be one of those people who laments 'what this world is coming to' or one who fondly reminisces about the 'good old days' (I'd need a separate post to enumerate all the reasons thinking like this is wholly unhelpful and frankly, inaccurate) - BUT I will share with you a moment that made me laugh to myself a few nights ago.

My mother-in-law shared via Facebook this interview that aired on Rock Center.  If you don't feel like clicking the link (but you should), I'll sum up.  A world-class female athlete admits that in her house and family, her husband is the leader and she is the submissive wife.  (And interestingly, never refers to a spiritual reason to do so.)

Is your foundation shaken? Are you offended and up in arms? Is your very mind shattered by this sensational idea? If you grew up like I did, probably not.  Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, Ephesians 5:22 - you can probably recite them with me.  Or at least paraphrase this way: Wives, submit to your husbands.

I don't mind telling you that for most of my life, I was not looking forward to being a wife.  At least, not a submissive wife.  Nevertheless, I knew that this, for some reason, was the model multiple writers of the Bible had encouraged others to live by. 

This won't be a post on marital advice.  The idea is laughable - there are VERY few arenas in which I'd consider myself equipped to teach: give me Harry Potter trivia or a lesson on complimentary colors, and I'd be your girl.  Marriage?  I'd be the one signing up to take the class.  Bringing paper to take notes.

No, this is a voice from the other side of the story for you readers who cannot comprehend a woman in the year 2013 gladly taking a submissive character role in one of the most important relationships of her life.

***

I understand the other side.  I understand the women who are offended and outraged by a fellow female encouraging others to let the man (ugh) play the dominant role in the marriage relationship.  Maybe fighting to be taken seriously in society, in the workplace, has steeped itself as an autopilot mode so deeply within us that we can't comprehend 'losing ground' at home.  I get it.  I respect it. 

I'm a fiercely independent person.  I need to lead.  I do not seem like a submissive person.  (I have to convince my husband that I have been submissive.)  I love to be right.  It takes

every. single. ounce. of. my. self. control.

not to correct someone when I hear them make an error.  I mean, we're talking about overheard conversations between two people in line ahead of me at WalMart.  It's a problem, it's a battle, and lots of times I lose.  I know it, I hate it.  (Are you praying for my husband?)  So when I tell you that I have chosen to be a submissive wife, I hope you take it within context.  (And just help a girl out and refrain from updating your Facebook status with grammatical errors.)

For a long time, my mind told me that 'submission' equaled 'loss'.  Losing an argument, losing an identity, losing independence.  Losing control.  (Yikes!!!)  Submission meant a clear winner and an equally clear loser.  Superior and inferior.  When Koby and I were dating in college, I considered us to be separate entities, yet ones who had chosen to be together.  (I am NOT saying here that this is wrong - dating and marriage are completely different playing fields.)  But I would have balked at the very idea of Koby leading me anywhere.  What I did not realize is that he was already setting the tone for our relationship: where he went, I went.  What he did, I did.  What he said, I said.  His friends became my friends.

I don't think this is an example of the 'losing your identity' thing that happens when girls with issues get into unhealthy relationships.  I think it's just what happens (to varying degrees) when you get into a relationship.  My friends became Koby's friends too, and wherever we went, we went together.  But for better or for worse, Koby was the natural leader of our relationship (although I would have punched you in the face for saying that to my 21 year old self).

But eventually we got married.  And that whole 'submit to your husband' thing suddenly applied to ME.  Because I was the wife, and I was supposed to be submissive, whatever that means.

Here's what I 've learned about being submissive (because I have to work at it

every
single
day)

1.  Being submissive does not mean that I am less intelligent than my husband.
2.  Being submissive does not mean that my husband makes all my decisions for me, and now, for our family.
3.  Being submissive does not mean that I do not voice my opinions.  It doesn't mean that my voice isn't valued and considered and respected.
4.  Being submissive does not mean that I have lost my identity.
5.  Being submissive doesn't mean I am incapable.

I have found that I can settle (and I mean this in the peaceful sense, not in the 'losing' sense) into a submissive role more easily than I ever could have imagined.

It was hard for me to pinpoint areas in which to be the 'submissive' and 'dutiful' wife in the first few months of marriage because Koby is not a 'commanding' person.  Nor did we encounter many cataclysmic, core-to-core differences that would require me to utterly submit to his stated will.  And to me, a submissive wife was always a counterpart to a commanding husband.

Basically, it's embarrassing how little I knew about marriage.  Like, 365 days in to the marriage.

-See also: how much I knew about babies before having one.-

Koby and I naturally found a 'flow' that suited our needs: we both cook, clean, and take care of the kids. Koby tends to the dogs, home repairs, the vehicles, the yard; I tend to the finances, the laundry, and take the kids to and from school.  These roles suited our skill sets and schedules and for awhile the whole 'submissive wife' thing never seemed as if it would surface.

Then I saw this video:

And I realized that submission had little to do with commands and obedience, and much more to do with service and support.

And in marriage I learned that I want to be led.

Let me say here that a wife's submission brings her peace when her husband is functioning from a place where he considers her interests as well as his own.  (This spans any culture, any spiritual foundation.  I don't care, it matters.)  And once they have children, theirs as well.  When he cares deeply about her well-being, she can freely voice her opinions and allow him to make decisions for themselves or their family knowing that he will do so with their best interests in mind.

My submission looks like this: daily service and encouragement.  I suck at it, mostly.  But I'm trying.  Our biggest 'wife-submission moment' looked like this: Koby had a job opportunity that would potentially us take away from our home and (my dream) job(s).  He asked (I think this is vital) and I gave him my honest and supportive opinion in favor of the move, but ultimately left the final decision up to him.  And I slept peacefully knowing that whatever choice he made had been weighed and measured carefully with Knox, me, and unborn Hayes in the balance.

Gabby Reece's words may echo mine, I'm not sure, I haven't read her book, but the fact that her admission to a choice to live in yield to her husband has caused such an uproar makes me giggle.  Because the notion is thousands of years old.

And so I say to any who may think me weak, why should I be ashamed that I am submissive to my (caring, loving, loyal) husband?  I would be proud to hear him say that he craves my support and relies on my encouragement. 


Isn't that the same?

Photo by Brooke Ogilvie

Simplicity

Um, first let me say that the books I'm reading on simplicity are excellent: I highly recommend them.

Freedom of Simplicity: Finding Harmony in a Complex World by Richard J Foster
Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth by Richard J Foster

Like, they're the kind of books in which highlighting and underlining is useless - you start,and then a few pages later you realized you've 'emphasized' every sentence but one in each paragraph. 

I'll try and simplify (heh) the many thoughts I've gathered from the first few chapters and share them with you.  Please don't read my thoughts as didactic - I'm not trying to preach, but this simplicity thing is complex and a lot of Foster's ideas struck me.  Simplicity as a discipline deals with much more than material objects, but in our society, objects easily become idols and so the author discusses materialism more than once.  (This is good for the girl who has been repeatedly roped into spending more money online to achieve the tantalizing offers of 'free shipping'... it really does seem like a better deal...)

So, here's what I jotted down (by jotted I mean typed into my iPhone's notes) after reading the chapter on simplicity in Celebration and Chapter 1 in Freedom:

1.  Keep first things first -or- Don't put the cart before the horse.  Seeking God has to be the primary endeavor, or else simplicity ceases to be a gift/discipline of the spirit and instead becomes a means to an end, whatever end that might be.  Simplicity isn't a substitute; you can live simply without being godly, but you can't be godly without living simply (not to be confused with asceticism).  The first thing that came to my mind as Foster was drilling this point was that an end result of 'saving money' might drive one to live simply, but then money-fixation is a prison, and true, spiritual simplicity is freeoom.  Of course, if one does live simply one will save money, but saving money can't be the ultimate goal if you're trying to practice simplicity as a discipline.  (Saving money isn't bad, we're even called to be good stewards of all we've been given, but after reading a few chapters I'm already redefining my ideas about stewardship.  Somehow I think I've neglected to consider giving and sharing as an integral part of stewardship.)  Even important, good things like witnessing and yeah, simplicity, can't take the front seat.  To sum up, Foster simply quotes the passage that reads 'Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and then all these other things will be added unto you as well".  Basically, as long as you're putting that first, anything and everything else will be in its proper place.

2.  Acknowledge the disconnect.  While we're on the subject of things being in their proper place, things need  to be in their proper place.  Here's where we get in to the material stuff.  Foster says early in his simplicity chaper in Celebration that 'we really must understand that the lust for affluence in contemporary society is psychotic'.  Woah.  He even uses that word again (in literature we'd deduce that his reiteration of the word was purposeful, like a finger jabbing you repeatedly in the chest) and says, 'It is psychotic because it has completely lost touch with reality'.  Having things isn't wrong, buying things isn't wrong.  Seeking God first will lead you to a place where you can practice simplicity and receive it as a gift from God - you'll begin to buy things on a 'need' basis, with pure motives, considering others.  You'll be 'reorient[ed] ... so that possessions can be genuinely enjoyed without destroying [you]... receiv[ing] the provision of God as a gift that is not [yours] to keep and can be freely shared with others.' 

3.  Simplicity is two-fold.  In Freedom, Foster gets crazy-deep on the reader.  To the point where I was having to re-read sentences.  This is where he began calling simplicity both a gift and a discipline.  Simplicity as a discipline puts you in a place where God can bless you with the gift of simplicity.  (Cue - nod and say 'ahhhhh' with me.)  Simplicity is a freedom - that's the gift.  It's freedom from anxiety and fear when we acknowledge 'what we have we receive as a gift, and what we have is to be cared for by God, and what we have is available to others'.  That's what Foster says, anyway.  In my mind, to be simple (the gift) is to take Paul seriously in Phillipians when he says 'Rejoice in the LORD always, again I say, Rejoice!'  If I'm rejoicing, they're isn't room for legalism, asceticism, or materialism.  To be simple is to understand and daily remember God's truth.  It's not losing sight of our reality in Christ.  When I remember that, I can enjoy what I have and won't be scared to share what I have with others.

So, simplicity has to be an outward practice as well, just as faith (inward) without deeds (outward) is dead.  Of course, we already talked about how the true spiritual discipline of simplicity has to have the seed of inner God-willing.  I realized this as a college student when I was practicing this - in my blog in 2006 (no, you cannot read it, I was a very silly girl at the time) I wrote

In my flawed study of simplicity over the past few weeks, I have learned for myself that true simplicity comes from inner transformation.  I am a competitor at heart, and I think this is why I fail so many times when trying to change myself.  When in the habit of breaking habits, it is impossible to 'win' by merely trying to beat down your desire.  It's less about self-control in an outward manner.  Instead, you must learn to change your desire.

Seeking God will prompt you to ask yourself 'why am I buying this?' before you buy something.  It will prompt you to throw off anything to which you might be a slave.  It will free you from the worried thoughts of, "Do I have enough?  Do I have too much?"  And thus, you are receiving the gift of His peaceful simplicity.

Foster talks a great deal about legalism, and hesitates to offer examples of how one might begin to practice it.  I'm glad he does though, because they're eye-opening and helpful.  (Though I totally get his hesitation - as a CoC girl, where it's my opinion that we struggle with legalism, I jump at the idea of 'instructions'.  Yes, I love rules.  We die by the letter, we live by grace!  I have to keep repeating that to myself.)  Foster gives some challenges (ten) for the simplicity practicer... he hits pretty hard on materialism and addictions.  Alright, I'll stop talking about them and share them with you.

• Buy things for their usefulness rather than their status.
• Reject anything that is producing an addiction in you.
• Develop a habit of giving things away.
• Refuse to be propagandized by the custodians of modern gadgetry.
• Learn to enjoy things without owning them
• Develop a deeper appreciation for the creation.
• Look with a healthy skepticism at all 'buy now, pay later' schemes.
• Obey Jesus' instruction about plain, honest speech.
• Reject anything that breeds the oppression of others.
• Shun anything that distracts you from seeking first the kingdom of God.

I'd love it if anyone would like to share their thoughts and experiences with this subject. It's something I struggle with - let me just say that a few of those 'suggestions' Foster offered hit some sore spots.  I'll continue to share my thoughts as I keep reading and studying, if I can get through Freedom.  He keeps using big words.

And if you're missing my generally more light-hearted posts... don't worry, my next entry might be about poop.

Before You Speak

James 3, thoughts on the tongue.  Sometimes it's like mine's not even connected to my brain...

Taken from this designer's blog.

A Blessing

By becoming the answer to someone's prayer, we often find the answer to our own.

Don't Blink

It appears I might be more likely to post some 'weekend wrap-ups' rather than religiously posting each Friday and Sunday.  Fridays are hard with the football games to go to.  This week/weekend has been BUSY.  Let me tell you about it.



Last Saturday and Sunday Ross and Alex came in to visit and we enjoyed some good relaxation time.  Lots of football and Words With Friends.



On Tuesday (Sept. 20) Knox turned two months old!  In some ways I can hardly believe he's only been around for two months.  Our lives have already been shaped and molded to accompany him so completely it feels like he's always been here.  On a side note, I'm still prepping the rough draft of his two-month entry before I write it in his baby book.  Lesson learned.

Randy came in town for the junior high football games on Thursday and was able to love on Knox for a few hours.  Also, Knox's special football hat made its debut because of the chilly, windy weather.  I was thrilled to be able to use this little hat!



On Friday afternoon Knox and I went to Abilene for his two month check up.  Everything is looking good!  He weighed 12 lbs 11 oz and is right around the 50th percentile for both length and weight.  He's a little bit higher on the weight end and we are lovin' it.  Here I am expressing my apprehension about the impending immunization shots, while he blissfully has no idea what's coming...



This is him after he found out what a trip to the doctor really entails. 



On Saturday we traveled to Midland for Derek and Kim's wedding.  (Remember when I took their engagement pictures?  Seems like just yesterday!)  It was a beautiful wedding and it was wonderful to be around our college friends again, even if just for a night.  Here are the guys in their suspenders.  Koby was beside himself about getting to wear suspenders, and in fact he was the one who organized this photo op.  If you know anything about Koby, you can appreciate that this is monumental.



On Sunday my college roommate Kristen visited and I FINALLY got to meet Michaela, her 8 month old daughter.  She is so cute!  It's just so crazy to see this picture of our KIDS sitting next to each other on the couch.  Time flies...

  

Sunrise and rain showers, both while on the way to Knox's day care before and after school.  It's a nice, peaceful drive.



 I'm beginning to realize that I can basically just write these posts in some sort of format like this:

Who came to visit "us" (read: Knox)?

Which football games did we attend?

Why else didn't I get around to writing the thank-you notes from when Knox was born?  (Whoops again.  But I am finishing them today!  They are on my "Urgent To-Do List" that consists of about 15 things that need to be done.  Well, needed to be done like a week ago to be socially acceptable and now it's just embarassing.  In one of the thank yous I mentioned how great it is to have a light, breathable cotton blanket for Knox "during these hot summer months".  Thanks a lot, Fall Equinox, for happening to come before I got that one in the mail.)

Let's talk about Knox for a bit, okay?  He's the best baby ever.  I'm realizing that more and more.  He is just so easy.  I'm so very glad he's able to fall asleep anywhere, any time.  Whether it's a row away from loud football fans or during the Cupid Shuffle at a wedding reception.  He doesn't cry when new people hold him and can find a way to be comfortable anywhere.  Not sure if he's that way naturally or if it's because he's had to be flexible since he was born because of our inconsistent schedule, but I do know either way that Koby and I don't deserve such a magnificent son.  We are so proud of him.

Oh, and I had a Mommy moment this weekend.  At the wedding last night, the DJ invited all the mothers and sons to come and dance together after Derek had his dance with his mom, and so I went to scoop up Knox from an admirer and danced with him.  I only managed to spin around the floor with him in my arms for about a minute because 

1. the sentimentality of the moment in no way lessens how awkward it is to slow dance essentially by yourself and
2. I got extremely choked up, dancing with my baby and looking at all the mothers dancing with their grown babies and Derek dancing with his mother.  I was thinking, "I bet they feel like this was just moments ago".  That's going to be us, one day, if we're extremely blessed. 

I hope I always note God's faithfulness, even in times of trouble.



Let Love Be Your Guide

Found this on Pinterest today and I love it!  Verses 12-14 in The Message say,

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline.  Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense.  Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you.  And regardless of what else you put on, wear love.  It's your basic, all-purpose garment.  Never be without it."

Spread it Around!

Don't hoard your goods, your time, your attention, talents or encouragement.  Great to think about as I head into another week of school.  Spread it around!

Unshakeable

Glad!