Wifey

I hesitated on the point of writing/posting this entry for the world to see because I wasn't sure which end result I sought by doing so.  Am I speaking in a persuasive voice?  Am I trying to sell you something?  Not necessarily.  Am I trying to parcel out some gleaned knowledge upon readers looking for advice in their marriages? 

Um, definitely not. 

Turning it over in my head, I've decided that this post is categorized as an explanation.  I feel that many who read this would need an explanation for the way I choose (a better word might be try... 95% of the time...) to approach my marriage.

Because it has (once again) come to my attention that I'm in the minority.

I'm not talking about being the only female at the house.  I love that.

I live in a culture that is decidedly counter-intuitive to the way I was raised and indeed, the way I try to live my life.  In years past I've noticed this from time to time - I won't be one of those people who laments 'what this world is coming to' or one who fondly reminisces about the 'good old days' (I'd need a separate post to enumerate all the reasons thinking like this is wholly unhelpful and frankly, inaccurate) - BUT I will share with you a moment that made me laugh to myself a few nights ago.

My mother-in-law shared via Facebook this interview that aired on Rock Center.  If you don't feel like clicking the link (but you should), I'll sum up.  A world-class female athlete admits that in her house and family, her husband is the leader and she is the submissive wife.  (And interestingly, never refers to a spiritual reason to do so.)

Is your foundation shaken? Are you offended and up in arms? Is your very mind shattered by this sensational idea? If you grew up like I did, probably not.  Colossians 3:18, 1 Peter 3:1, Ephesians 5:22 - you can probably recite them with me.  Or at least paraphrase this way: Wives, submit to your husbands.

I don't mind telling you that for most of my life, I was not looking forward to being a wife.  At least, not a submissive wife.  Nevertheless, I knew that this, for some reason, was the model multiple writers of the Bible had encouraged others to live by. 

This won't be a post on marital advice.  The idea is laughable - there are VERY few arenas in which I'd consider myself equipped to teach: give me Harry Potter trivia or a lesson on complimentary colors, and I'd be your girl.  Marriage?  I'd be the one signing up to take the class.  Bringing paper to take notes.

No, this is a voice from the other side of the story for you readers who cannot comprehend a woman in the year 2013 gladly taking a submissive character role in one of the most important relationships of her life.

***

I understand the other side.  I understand the women who are offended and outraged by a fellow female encouraging others to let the man (ugh) play the dominant role in the marriage relationship.  Maybe fighting to be taken seriously in society, in the workplace, has steeped itself as an autopilot mode so deeply within us that we can't comprehend 'losing ground' at home.  I get it.  I respect it. 

I'm a fiercely independent person.  I need to lead.  I do not seem like a submissive person.  (I have to convince my husband that I have been submissive.)  I love to be right.  It takes

every. single. ounce. of. my. self. control.

not to correct someone when I hear them make an error.  I mean, we're talking about overheard conversations between two people in line ahead of me at WalMart.  It's a problem, it's a battle, and lots of times I lose.  I know it, I hate it.  (Are you praying for my husband?)  So when I tell you that I have chosen to be a submissive wife, I hope you take it within context.  (And just help a girl out and refrain from updating your Facebook status with grammatical errors.)

For a long time, my mind told me that 'submission' equaled 'loss'.  Losing an argument, losing an identity, losing independence.  Losing control.  (Yikes!!!)  Submission meant a clear winner and an equally clear loser.  Superior and inferior.  When Koby and I were dating in college, I considered us to be separate entities, yet ones who had chosen to be together.  (I am NOT saying here that this is wrong - dating and marriage are completely different playing fields.)  But I would have balked at the very idea of Koby leading me anywhere.  What I did not realize is that he was already setting the tone for our relationship: where he went, I went.  What he did, I did.  What he said, I said.  His friends became my friends.

I don't think this is an example of the 'losing your identity' thing that happens when girls with issues get into unhealthy relationships.  I think it's just what happens (to varying degrees) when you get into a relationship.  My friends became Koby's friends too, and wherever we went, we went together.  But for better or for worse, Koby was the natural leader of our relationship (although I would have punched you in the face for saying that to my 21 year old self).

But eventually we got married.  And that whole 'submit to your husband' thing suddenly applied to ME.  Because I was the wife, and I was supposed to be submissive, whatever that means.

Here's what I 've learned about being submissive (because I have to work at it

every
single
day)

1.  Being submissive does not mean that I am less intelligent than my husband.
2.  Being submissive does not mean that my husband makes all my decisions for me, and now, for our family.
3.  Being submissive does not mean that I do not voice my opinions.  It doesn't mean that my voice isn't valued and considered and respected.
4.  Being submissive does not mean that I have lost my identity.
5.  Being submissive doesn't mean I am incapable.

I have found that I can settle (and I mean this in the peaceful sense, not in the 'losing' sense) into a submissive role more easily than I ever could have imagined.

It was hard for me to pinpoint areas in which to be the 'submissive' and 'dutiful' wife in the first few months of marriage because Koby is not a 'commanding' person.  Nor did we encounter many cataclysmic, core-to-core differences that would require me to utterly submit to his stated will.  And to me, a submissive wife was always a counterpart to a commanding husband.

Basically, it's embarrassing how little I knew about marriage.  Like, 365 days in to the marriage.

-See also: how much I knew about babies before having one.-

Koby and I naturally found a 'flow' that suited our needs: we both cook, clean, and take care of the kids. Koby tends to the dogs, home repairs, the vehicles, the yard; I tend to the finances, the laundry, and take the kids to and from school.  These roles suited our skill sets and schedules and for awhile the whole 'submissive wife' thing never seemed as if it would surface.

Then I saw this video:

And I realized that submission had little to do with commands and obedience, and much more to do with service and support.

And in marriage I learned that I want to be led.

Let me say here that a wife's submission brings her peace when her husband is functioning from a place where he considers her interests as well as his own.  (This spans any culture, any spiritual foundation.  I don't care, it matters.)  And once they have children, theirs as well.  When he cares deeply about her well-being, she can freely voice her opinions and allow him to make decisions for themselves or their family knowing that he will do so with their best interests in mind.

My submission looks like this: daily service and encouragement.  I suck at it, mostly.  But I'm trying.  Our biggest 'wife-submission moment' looked like this: Koby had a job opportunity that would potentially us take away from our home and (my dream) job(s).  He asked (I think this is vital) and I gave him my honest and supportive opinion in favor of the move, but ultimately left the final decision up to him.  And I slept peacefully knowing that whatever choice he made had been weighed and measured carefully with Knox, me, and unborn Hayes in the balance.

Gabby Reece's words may echo mine, I'm not sure, I haven't read her book, but the fact that her admission to a choice to live in yield to her husband has caused such an uproar makes me giggle.  Because the notion is thousands of years old.

And so I say to any who may think me weak, why should I be ashamed that I am submissive to my (caring, loving, loyal) husband?  I would be proud to hear him say that he craves my support and relies on my encouragement. 


Isn't that the same?

Photo by Brooke Ogilvie

The Dirty Kid at Walmart

We're all guilty of it - feelin' a little higher and mightier than the rest.  But as they say, pride cometh before the fall.  I can illustrate this sentiment with a fun story: I used to mock girls who were meticulous about shaving their toes.  How vain!  I thought.  How silly!  My notions of superiority came crashing down around me one spring day as I sat with a crush at a minor league baseball game.  As the sun glistened high above he looked at my exposed feet in their flip-flops and said, "Just how many hairs do you think you have on your big toe?"  Needless to say, we didn't date, and I began shaving my big toes.

Moms!  Let's cut ourselves some slack, and while we're at it - slack for each other.  Let's stop feeling guilty for being human and for living realistically.  We all know motherhood brings us to new, wonderful humbling experiences that always seem to involve baby poo and the lack of materials to clean up the baby poo.

DELUSIONS TO WHICH I SUBSCRIBED

1. I'll never have the dirty kid at Walmart.  Here's what actually happens: kids get messy, and sometimes you have to go out in public anyway.  Sometimes the kid gets messy on the way to Walmart.  I also said that my kid would always be well-dressed... hair combed, both socks and shoes intact.  I don't know what I was smoking.  To those of you whose children always look like Baby Gap models, I think that may just be your superpower.


2. I'll breast-feed exclusively.  This is hard: I really wish I would have been able to and it took me a long time not to feel guilty about supplementing with formula.  Some mothers have incredible problems producing enough milk - that was me.  Some moms go back to work and are unable to secure enough food - that was me.  The time came when I realized I really only had time to eat lunch OR get milk for the next day.  And today I thank God that I have the option of giving my son a healthy alternative.  Mad props to you mamas who are still breast-feeding, maybe things will go better for us the next time around.

3. Marriage doesn't have to change when baby comes.  Don't get me wrong - the entrance of Knox wasn't marked by increased fighting or strain in the Andrews household.  But suddenly the dishes we dreaded doing doubled - bottles and nipples take forever to sanitize!  The trash to be taken out suddenly included smelly diapers.  "Us" time dwindled from the norm to downright stolen moments.  Don't feel guilty taking time to yourselves - a happy marriage means happy parents, and happy parents means happy baby.  Grab a trusty babysitter, go on a date.  Skip town for a night and leave baby with your more-than-willing in-laws. 

4. My body doesn't have to change when baby comes. I've been relatively lucky because I didn't gain a ton of weight during my pregnancy and I returned to my pre-pregnancy weight a few weeks after giving birth.  But that's not to say my body didn't change - my stomach is different than it was before.  My body is different than before.  Some articles of clothing don't fit the way they used to, regardless of my weight.  In my reading, some doctors say that your body should only be 'fully' back to normal 9-12 months after giving birth.  That's a long time!  Don't feel depressed if you don't look like you did before being pregnant, or, for that matter, even like you did at 19.  (Although not looking like I did at 19 is another thing I thank God for.)  Read a somewhat helpful/somewhat snobbish article about pregnancy and fitness here.

5. I'll just ____________ while my baby naps.  People who say "Just sleep when the baby sleeps" need to be ... enthusiastically rebuffed.  Here's what actually happens: kid finally falls asleep, your brain thinks of the million things you need to do.  You finally decide to nap and by the time your mind shuts down, the baby lets out an "I'm-awake-and-not-upset-yet-but-will-be-soon" cry.  Please don't feel that you need to have a perfectly clean house.  In fact, get used to the fact that it is normal for toys and baby blankets and other infant paraphernalia to be strewn across your living room.  And when it's not those things anymore, it'll be baseball gloves, homework, shoes, ballet slippers, and backpacks.  And then when they finally graduate, if you still have the energy, you can clean your house.

6. I'll adhere to a strict feeding/sleeping schedule.  For some people this works: don't feel guilty about it.  For some people, it doesn't.  Don't feel guilty about it.  As long as you're doing what's best for your unique child in your particular family situation, who's to say you're doing it wrong?  I am the wife of a coach, which means lots of travel time for husband, and lots of night games.  Interrupting Knox's non-existent schedule has given him the ability to fall asleep in noisy situations, something for which I am exceedingly grateful.  Sometimes I get strange looks when I confess he doesn't have a 'set bedtime'... but I've learned to shrug it off.

7. People don't say idiotic things about your decision to work/stay at home.  Nope, they do.  A lot of the time people don't mean to be offensive.  And maybe it just feels offensive because we've been operating on dwindling hours of sleep.  But comments about "children being the ones who suffer" when moms go back to work generally don't go over well with moms who go back to work.  And comments about how much money a husband must earn probably make an at-home mom feel uncomfortable.  As the child of a stay-at-home mom I can assuredly tell you I was just as sociable as any other kid by the time I got to school, if not moreso.  I wasn't a brat and I knew how to share.  As the mother of a child who goes to a sitter while I go to work I can tell you that Knox delights in the company of his peers - he is already trying his darndest to catch up with them as they tear through the house.  I can see it in his eyes when he plays with his toys: I really think he wishes there was a toddler there to play with instead of a car that lights up and beeps.  Please moms, don't feel guilty about your parenting situation.  Healthy, happy, smart, and well-adjusted kids come from both settings.

8. I'm not going to let my kid watch t.v.  Alright, that might be a bit extreme.  It'd probably be more accurate to say, My kid isn't going to watch much t.v.  But there are quite a few good programs for kids to watch, and with the teensy attention span of an infant, I don't have to worry about constantly finding a new activity.  Done pulling all my scarves out of that box?  Good, the t.v.'s still on, let it distract you.  Oops, already done with that?  I think there's a new piece of dead leaf on the floor  you haven't tried to eat yet.  Hmm, now you're crying because I took the leaf away, but I think Dora singing might distract you while I can throw this chewed up leaf away... 

9. I can still do most of the things I want to do once baby comes.  This is true and untrue.  I still exercise, see my friends, shop, read, cook, work, spend time with my husband and do lots of things that make me happy.  But I can't do everything.  I read a really great article recently similar to this post in which a mom was advising new moms "You can't do everything, and don't let other people make you feel guilty for missing things when in the best interests of your baby."  There will be weddings you miss because it's just too late for baby to be out or too far for your young family to travel.  There will be times when you can't go places because of your baby's health or temperament.  There will be times you need to spend with your family instead of at work or with your friends.  The lady in the article said "You'll get over the guilt of missing the wedding, but the guilt of not doing what was best for your child will stick with you."  And that is true.  Learn to say "No".  It may irritate your friends and family members, it may make you feel like a stick in the mud, but you'll sleep easier knowing that you did what was best for your baby.

Post # Admitting Defeat of It's About Time

Any other moms out there overwhelmed by the sheer number of things we can buy for babies?  I'm here to present you with the things I've personally learned to love ... and live without.  Obviously, every family, every baby, every mother is different - but if you're planning a baby shower, expecting a bouncing bundle, or still washing pureed carrots out of your hair, this may help.

NEED IT
definition: Spend money on this.  It's worth it, and there's really not a duplicate.

1. Bumbo Chair.  This is great for pre-high chair babies.  You can get them for around $30, they're easy to clean, light, good for eating and playing.

2. Strollers for All Occasions.  I run (sometimes).  I needed a jogging stroller.  Sweet husband bought me the In-Step jogging stroller for X-mas. (A bargain at $130 - I am OBSESSED.  Unfortunately they no longer make them.)  In addition to a 'heavy-duty' stroller, I would pick up the <$20 Cosco stroller at Walmart.  It's great for quick trips, easy to fold/unfold and transport around.

3. Boudreaux's Butt Paste.  It. is. the. best.  It's all-natural, doesn't smell like what I remember butt cream smelling like, and has a funny name.  Get it anywhere.

4. Toys for Carrier.  Get the toys that can clip around the handle of your baby carrier.  The two I usually have attached pull and shake.  They've saved Knox from a few melt-downs... in fact, Mommy has a near-meltdown if she pulls out of the driveway and realizes the toys are missing.

Other things I ♥ : attachable headrest mirror so I can see Knox while I drive (about $10 at Walmart), Skip-Hop diaper bags, Pack 'n Plays, infant/baby tubs, AYR nose drops for infants, hydrocortisone cream (check with your doctor first: for rashes and irritations).

SKIP IT
definition: Things to consider skipping under certain circumstances.

5. Baby Monitors.  Don't have a heart attack.  Skip this if you have a small house, unless you plan on investing in one with a video screen OR one of the ones that has the motion sensor.  We have a great monitor set, but never use it because Knox can't sneeze in his room without us hearing.  We don't leave him in the house while we're out on the porch or in the backyard either, so it has collected dust.

If you live in a modestly-sized home or apartment, I would also recommend skipping a bottle warmer.  Again, we have an amazing one, but never use it because the nursery is so close to the kitchen, where we prepare the bottles, and we don't make tons of bottles in advance.

I would also skip an over-the-body infant carrier (think baby Bjorn).  I have one that I've used quite a few times, but sometimes it was a trouble > reward situation because when Knox was small, it was a little frightening getting him in and out, and then when he was big I felt like my back was definitely not getting a physically-safe work-out.  It's useful for times when your little one just isn't happy by his or her self and you really need to get some work done, but some good alternatives are a little seat that vibrates (around $20-$30 at Walmart), an infant swing, or simply not doing your chores.

6. Baby Products.  Obviously, not all of them, just these: any butt paste that isn't Boudreaux's.  Shown here is California Baby brand butt cream - I have some Bubble Bath for Cold and Flu in this brand though and it is really nice - I found that the butt cream, while smelling really pretty, was really thin and just didn't compare with BOUDREAUX's!  (Can I get a commission here?)  Don't buy baby powder (most books I read said to definitely NOT use it anyway).

Other things I never use: pacifiers (Knox loathes them) and baby hangers (I use a dresser), a bassinet or a "changing table" (I put a changing pad on top of Knox's dresser).

HACK IT
definition: There's an economical way of getting around these things, and I'll find it for you.

7. Baby food.  Alright, this one might be a Catch-22.  I'm still working up on the cost comparison, but my early estimate is that they're fairly similiar.  The winning punch here is that making your own baby food is much more earth-friendly :-) I have the Kalorik baby food steamer/maker (thanks Nana and Poppa) and I've been using washed baby food containers to freeze and store my home-made organic baby food.  A friend told me she'd puree an organic sweet potato, pour it into an ice cube tray, and voila!  Dinner for her baby for a week!  I love 'making' Knox's food and knowing EXACTLY what goes into it!

8. Boppy Pillow.  If you're more gifted than me with a needle and thread, you can totally hack this.  If not, spring the $40 ish and get it.  Get the pattern here.

9. Diaper Genie.  Instead of paying anywhere between $40 - $100 on a Diaper Genie, plus $20 on the refill bags, I took the advice of another mom who told me her Diaper Genie did nothing to prevent the poop smell from penetrating her nursery.  We bought a $15 step-to-open trash can from Walmart and we re-use plastic grocery bags to tie up diapers as we change them before putting them in the can.  It's a great way to use all those bags instead of throwing them away or letting them pile up because "you'll use them", and it seals the scent just as well as a Genie (or so my friend said).

I hope this helps... remember, sometimes one woman's Boppy is another woman's bottle-warmer.  I've lived and learned when it comes to baby stuff, and this is what I know about life at seven months with baby.  I know that it can all be useful in the right circumstances (read: please don't be offended if your shower gift landed on the 'skip it' list), and I'm grateful that we have all that we do at our testing disposal!

On Being Lazy at Being Girly

Lately I've been trying extra-hard (read: actually trying) to avoid the oft-achieved frump-tastic style of the new mother.  Auto-correct is hating me right now.


Let me clarify a little bit: I've always been the girl for whom the 'bare minimum' would totally cut it in regards to hair, makeup, style... so if you're like me and you're a new mom, I've put together some of the things that are making this goal a little bit easier for me in the present.   If you're not like me, you probably discovered all these things or their equivalent when you were fifteen or before you learned the true value of 7 hours of consecutive sleep.  To me, sleep > looking good, but when you're a new mom, you're playing a dangerous game if that's your system of operation and you're expected to appear publicly.  I'm trying this new stuff and lo! apparently, when you look good, you feel good too.  Or maybe vice versa.  I don't know.  Hmmm.  Maybe Mom was onto something in high school when she repeatedly begged me to stop buying t-shirts with writing on them and to indefinitely boycott the Sun-In brand.

1. Revlon 'Just Bitten' Lipstain  I own this in the shade of Frenzy, whatever that means.  I like lip stain because it's not messy, doesn't smudge, and instantly makes one look as if she's really put some makeup on.  I really like this wand's gloss end, too.  Buy it here for $6.74
2. Coppertone Gradual Tan Stop tanning.  Stop it now, it's soooooo bad for you.  Now that we've got that out of the way, let's be honest: there's really no substitute for the true Vitamin D's glowing effect on your poor, baked skin.  But this is close.  I'm working on about 3-4 days of applying it, and I don't look like I visited [insert sunny place here] or anything, but I am a color that isn't orange, and I like it. Buy it here for $9.49.
3. Origins Facial Brush Despite my obsessive tendencies, I'm not very good at long-term habits; i.e. face-washing, vitamin-taking, resolution-keeping.  But this brush makes me excited to wash my face.  Only $4 at Dillards!
4. Skinny Belts OMG if you don't own one yet, who are you?  Even I own one, and it took me two years to figure out who Ke$ha is.  Every morning it seems like I'm stopping myself from adding a skinny belt to my outfit.  They really help to cinch your outfit in and after childbirth, it's a glorious thing to behold.  Go crazy.
5. A Weekend Away As a new mom, this one is clutch.  A girl needs to feel like a girl, and that might just mean sitting around with peers who enjoy to an equal extent the literature of J.K. Rowling.  So do it - drive yourself somewhere for a weekend or an afternoon, and leave the tot with your (willing) husband.  Go ahead, plan on it.
6. Recycle Don't keep things in your closet that don't look good on you.  Seriously.  If they're in there and you're not wearing them, donate them to someone else.  If clothes don't fit properly but you can't bear to let them go, have them altered.  It's better than wearing things that you don't feel happy in, and it's much better than having clothes collect dust in your closet.  I sort of realized that recently and even though my closet is slimmer, I always know I'm going to feel good in what I choose to wear.
7. Get Yo Herr Did Spend some money and have your hair cut and, if coloring is your thing, colored.  I've found that spending $80 on my hair is a MEGAFAST way to get me up earlier in the mornings to actually style my costly coiffure.
8. Maybelline Stiletto Liquid Eyeliner I put this product on my list, but I'm still really bad at using it.  You'd think as an artist I'd be adept at makeup application, but you'd be wrong.  Therefore I don't know if this eyeliner is the best - it's simply the first I've used.  I don't like that it's super easy to smudge off after I finally get it put on right (mine is not waterproof) but it is a nice feature the first six times I try to apply it most mornings.  $5.99 on  this website.
9. Got 2B Fat-tastic Mousse I don't usually like hair products (sooooo much effort bla bla whine whine), but I like this one.  If your hair has some natural body, use a small amount to secure the waves after your hair has completely air-dried.  If it doesn't, use some while your hair is wet and then style it to bring out some volume.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Also, I don't know why the "9" is backwards.

 And don't forget the most important route to feeling your best - strive to be purposeful in word and action.  (Proverbs 11:22)  After all, YOU and your heart are the real treasures: outward beauty is just an accessory!

Calling on my fellow clueless women, exhausted mommies - what did I forget?  Any drug-store discoveries I ought to know about? What are your favorite things?